I haven’t blogged in forever so here is an update. Y’all, I’ve been through something crazy again when it comes to my health. Remember back in 2015 when I had that ketamine treatment infusion that fried my brain? No, I haven’t had another one of those but something very similar has happened again.
Chronic pain has had me turning to multiple doctors and trusted friends, each who seem to have their one trick pony. One might be herbs, another a specialty medication or procedure, another exercise/stretching/diet…you fill in the blank. If you’ve never played the medication game, LUCKY! If you have then you know what I mean.
A few months ago I had another brain fry from a different medication. There are pros and cons to these I am learning. The biggest pro is that my chronic pain significantly reduces for a time. The biggest con is that I have to relearn things.
Here’s the problem with losing your memories, you don’t know what is relearning vs original learning. Last time I had to relearn what foods I like, math facts, how to braid hair, how to drive, etc. This time around it’s not nearly that severe. I can still balance the check book, pay bills, and follow a recipe. Thank goodness!
I don’t like change. I don’t like confronting my fears. I don’t like having a frail body with unanswered questions as to why it isn’t functioning “normally”. I’m stubborn. I’m controlling. All kinds of cons.
But if I’m being totally honest I'm relearning some good things about myself, too. I like people and I like being able to help them. I’m EXTREMELY talkative and loud. I’m an open book and don’t mind admitting some of my issues. I’m trusting in many ways and want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m caring and I don’t like to disappoint others.
(Let me pause here to give a huge shout out to my hubs and youngest daughter, who have been with me and held my hand through both these very scary experiences. I have many close family members and friends who have helped, too, but hubs and daughter have had to literally hold my hand and make sure I get fed when I can’t function. If they had a dollar for every time I’ve said, “I’ve figured it out!” they’d be able to buy their way into heaven.😄)
This time around I’ve been “blessed” (sarcasm) with anxiety and panic attacks. There are side effects to every medication, folks, and I’m hoping this one will lesson over time. Instead of throwing western medicine at it I’m trying some different approaches. No, I won’t go into all of them here but if you are ever curious you can email me.
Right now I’m an open book again. I’m a chatter box like the Disney character, Dory. I’m innocent and naive in many ways as I relearn social cues. I did learn and remember from last time around how being tactless and ignorant can hurt relationships. I’m trying to do better but like I said, it’s hard to remember when you are relearning so please be patient with me. I’m not “normal”, I’m not trying to provoke arguments, I really am trying to relearn and understand.
I’m trying to learn from these experiences and if I can help someone else along the way so you don’t have to go through it, you’re welcome. 😉 Culturally we don’t talk much about mental health and mental medication side effects so I’ve felt embarrassed or ashamed about it. It’s real, folks, and I bet more of us deal with it than Instagram or Facebook posts show. I’m admitting it and yes, I’m still embarrassed about it, but not ashamed. Lately I’ve faced some of my worst fears and I am learning/relearning how to manage them. Sigh, these new approaches I’m trying are much more difficult than just swallowing a pill!
Being Happy is Better Than Being Smart; that was my greatest take away from last time. This time I’m focusing on learning new ways to cope when I’m down at rock bottom.
And here’s something new I learned that is working for me, a little happiness hack to lighten the mood:
When you are in pain and wearing regular clothes hurts your body but you still have to go out in public, wear scrubs. I’ve literally gone out in my pj’s before but that just makes me feel insecure. When I wear scrubs I’ve been mistaken for a nurse. Ha ha, talk about dressing professional! Today at the grocery store I was complimented for my scrubs by the carry out guy and then he mentioned how he has a pair of scrubs he likes to sleep in. Shh, I didn’t tell him my happiness hack.
My daughter told me to wear earrings to make my outfit look “intentional” so I tried it along with a hat to cover second day hair. Add a smile, some self confidence, be willing to look people in the eye and say hello, and they will think you’re put together. Fake it till you make it, friends. Even if you aren’t wearing make up!
Like I said, you’re welcome.😜
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