No Longer Sedated

I saw this image on social media and it totally explains how I’ve been feeling lately, I thought I’d share.

I can’t even tell y’all how much better I’ve been feeling! I’m actually noticing the benefits of this “brain fry”. No, chronic pain isn’t totally gone but I’m finally seeing the polished side to my life. The depression and hopelessness is much better and I’m better able to keep the chronic pain from taking over. I feel like I’ve been in a sedated pain prison for the past 15 years; sedated in all aspects of my life: physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, socially, etc. The pain has lessened enough that it’s manageable and I’m venturing out into the real world again.

Do you want to know what’s throwing me for a loop? Things are so much different in the real world nowadays verses when I first started my stint in pain prison. No wonder I’m so confused and feel like I have to relearn everything again, it’s a weird sense of déjà vu. It’s loud and chaotic now; too much information from too many sources so how do you know what is true?

I guess I’m realizing that everyone should be able to relate to this apple in the mirror picture. Most of us would like to show our shiny, unblemished side to the world. We want to project confidence and perfectionism…and maybe optimism, too? But we all have our battered and bruised side; problems, pains, and fears that others don’t see. Some might only have a small worm hole of problems while others could be bitten all the way to the core. Sometimes we can glimpse that hurt side and sometimes we can’t.

Here is kind of a paradox I’m puzzling over…How do you keep it real and describe the bad side without being a pessimist or without bringing others down? Because I’m seeing so much out there where it seems like people are only showing the bad side; so much anger, hate, sadness, and flat out rudeness that was unacceptable when I first went to pain prison. I definitely don’t want to add to that by blogging about my experiences.

I guess I just want my friends and family who read this to know that I’m trying to find a balance. If I seem overly optimistic by sharing the Disney side of my life stories, please know that I’m not bragging or showing off. There are pros and cons to everything. And on the flip side, if I’m complaining, please remember that there is a shiny good side to my stories somewhere in there, too. Sometimes those are harder for me to see in the moment but eventually I’ll figure it out. 

My goal is to be kind and understanding, to share positivity but still keep it real. Real life is just like the pain prison I’ve been in; there will be good days vs bad days, good people vs not so good people, happy times vs sad times, fun filled days vs pain filled days. Life in the real world is not always fair, it’s not always equal, it doesn’t always make sense in the moment, but it is the same learning experience for everyone.

If all of God’s children are apples and we all work together we can make some pretty dang tasty apple cider, can’t we? Stay happy my friends, it makes everything better!

Farming Adventure: The Shop

My husband’s birthday, father’s day, Christmas, and every other gift for the year next 5 years is finally ready to be revealed. Of course it’s not completed yet…but at least I’ll have more to write about at a later date. J

Remember, the original barn started out looking like this:

 

 By the end of June it looked like this, a huge slab of concrete:

 

I have to admit, this was the most disappointing stage in the game. The concrete has some cracks in it and it’s not exactly level. Super disappointed about that because it does come into play later. And yes, these were “professionals” who do this for a living.

At the beginning of August the new shop was put up. Y’all, huge shout out to pre-fab buildings! We ordered this thing months ago and it was drawn up with everything ready to go in pieces. We’ve had a home built before (and lots of upgrades of existing homes) and this was smooth sailing in comparison!

A crew of 5 men showed up on a Monday morning and they were finished by Friday evening. I never would have believed it had I not seen it with my own two eyes. Yes, I set a tripod up in an upstairs window and put the zoom lens on my camera so I could take pics every few hours. What can I say; I’m a creeper like that. J It’s called modern day journaling my friends.

Here’s the process in pictures:

They brought their own equipment and didn’t have to borrow our stuff. Now these guys were professional! They laughed and chatted amongst themselves, singing along to their radio, they had all the nuts and bolts and whatevers they needed; not a once did I have to run in to town to Lowe’s to grab something they forgot. Amazing!

You know I wasn’t content only taking pictures from the window. They were good sports about letting me snap away throughout the week.

 

To be fair, the crew lived about 3 ½ hours away so they stayed at a hotel in the main town about 30 minutes away the entire week. It was still foggy/misty when they’d show up about 7:00am and the sun would be setting when they left about 12 hours later.

Welcome to your new home, shop! Four RV sized garage doors in front, one single garage door on the side closest to the house, a man door on each side, and one window.

If you look closely you’ll be able to see the frustration of not having a level, smooth slab of concrete. See how the doors have gaps at the bottom? It was a nightmare for the installers and we do get water pooling in when it rains. Grrr! Another project for another day to fix that.

 

Here’s an idea of the size of this thing, look at my lawnmower tucked away all tiny looking in the corner.

Why on earth do we need a shop this big? It’s a guy thing I guess. J No, really, Hubs wants to put a lift in it to rebuild a truck and do vehicle maintenance. He also plans on putting in shelves and work tables for all his tools. Now we’ll have a place to park all the extra farm equipment and cars that don’t fit in the garage. Don’t you worry; we’ll have it filled soon enough.

The shop itself is put up, gutters are on, the excavation work and gravel is almost all completed (enough that we can drive things in it now), and the next step is installing electricity and lights. Oh, and to make it more friendly for me, Hubs is planning on putting in a garage door opener for the single garage door. I say it’s his shop but I’m sure I’ll enjoy it, too.

Who woulda thunk this city girl would have so much fun out in the country?

Here we go again

I haven’t blogged in forever so here is an update. Y’all, I’ve been through something crazy again when it comes to my health. Remember back in 2015 when I had that ketamine treatment infusion that fried my brain? No, I haven’t had another one of those but something very similar has happened again.

Chronic pain has had me turning to multiple doctors and trusted friends, each who seem to have their one trick pony. One might be herbs, another a specialty medication or procedure, another exercise/stretching/diet…you fill in the blank. If you’ve never played the medication game, LUCKY! If you have then you know what I mean. 

A few months ago I had another brain fry from a different medication. There are pros and cons to these I am learning. The biggest pro is that my chronic pain significantly reduces for a time. The biggest con is that I have to relearn things. 

Here’s the problem with losing your memories, you don’t know what is relearning vs original learning. Last time I had to relearn what foods I like, math facts, how to braid hair, how to drive, etc. This time around it’s not nearly that severe. I can still balance the check book, pay bills, and follow a recipe. Thank goodness! 

I don’t like change. I don’t like confronting my fears. I don’t like having a frail body with unanswered questions as to why it isn’t functioning “normally”. I’m stubborn. I’m controlling. All kinds of cons. 

But if I’m being totally honest I'm relearning some good things about myself, too. I like people and I like being able to help them. I’m EXTREMELY talkative and loud. I’m an open book and don’t mind admitting some of my issues. I’m trusting in many ways and want to give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m caring and I don’t like to disappoint others. 

(Let me pause here to give a huge shout out to my hubs and youngest daughter, who have been with me and held my hand through both these very scary experiences. I have many close family members and friends who have helped, too, but hubs and daughter have had to literally hold my hand and make sure I get fed when I can’t function. If they had a dollar for every time I’ve said, “I’ve figured it out!” they’d be able to buy their way into heaven.😄) 

This time around I’ve been “blessed” (sarcasm) with anxiety and panic attacks. There are side effects to every medication, folks, and I’m hoping this one will lesson over time. Instead of throwing western medicine at it I’m trying some different approaches. No, I won’t go into all of them here but if you are ever curious you can email me. 

Right now I’m an open book again. I’m a chatter box like the Disney character, Dory. I’m innocent and naive in many ways as I relearn social cues. I did learn and remember from last time around how being tactless and ignorant can hurt relationships. I’m trying to do better but like I said, it’s hard to remember when you are relearning so please be patient with me. I’m not “normal”, I’m not trying to provoke arguments, I really am trying to relearn and understand. 

I’m trying to learn from these experiences and if I can help someone else along the way so you don’t have to go through it, you’re welcome. 😉 Culturally we don’t talk much about mental health and mental medication side effects so I’ve felt embarrassed or ashamed about it. It’s real, folks, and I bet more of us deal with it than Instagram or Facebook posts show. I’m admitting it and yes, I’m still embarrassed about it, but not ashamed. Lately I’ve faced some of my worst fears and I am learning/relearning how to manage them. Sigh, these new approaches I’m trying are much more difficult than just swallowing a pill! 

Being Happy is Better Than Being Smart; that was my greatest take away from last time. This time I’m focusing on learning new ways to cope when I’m down at rock bottom. 

And here’s something new I learned that is working for me, a little happiness hack to lighten the mood: 

When you are in pain and wearing regular clothes hurts your body but you still have to go out in public, wear scrubs. I’ve literally gone out in my pj’s before but that just makes me feel insecure. When I wear scrubs I’ve been mistaken for a nurse. Ha ha, talk about dressing professional! Today at the grocery store I was complimented for my scrubs by the carry out guy and then he mentioned how he has a pair of scrubs he likes to sleep in. Shh, I didn’t tell him my happiness hack. 

My daughter told me to wear earrings to make my outfit look “intentional” so I tried it along with a hat to cover second day hair. Add a smile, some self confidence, be willing to look people in the eye and say hello, and they will think you’re put together. Fake it till you make it, friends. Even if you aren’t wearing make up! 

Like I said, you’re welcome.😜

It's so much easier to be happy when you aren't in crippling pain, physical or mental. Let's remember to be kind since many illness are unseen and you never know what someone is dealing with.

 

Highland Maple Festival

I went on an educational field trip this weekend, I thought I'd share. This is definitely not something I got to see living in Texas!

Some of us from the family drove about an hour away to the Highland Maple Festival. We started the morning at an all you can eat pancake breakfast. They had buckwheat pancakes (didn't care for), regular pancakes, homemade sausage (delicious!), and pure maple syrup (of course). I was impressed, this is obviously a major event every year for this small town but they got everyone through pretty quickly and all the volunteers were friendly and helpful. Gotta love small town USA!

After loading up on carbs we went to some farms to see how the syrup was made. Here are some pictures of how it was done "back in the day".

 

                                                                    

Buckets were placed on taps to collect the sap dripping from maple trees. They left this one uncovered to show visitors so yes, I tasted it. Didn't taste like much of anything to me.

The collected sap would be poured into long troughs like this. A fire burned underneath and the sap would be stirred occasionally, boiling off most of the water. It takes 40-60 gallons of sap to make one gallon of pure maple syrup!

Once most of the water was boiled off they'd transfer the liquid to smaller kettles where they could better control the heat of the fire. Here they would cook it more until the desired consistency and flavor.

They had samples to taste and I surprised myself by liking the hickory syrup they were selling. Hickory syrup is an old process for making syrup that was popular before 1850. Basically, you remove some bark from the hickory tree, roast it in an oven, then soak it in water to make a tea. You strain out the solids, add sugar, and cook it down until it has the consistency you like. Now a days it's called Grandma's syrup because only the older Grandma's would take the time to make it. I got some as a novelty, it has a unique smoky sweet flavor.

 Then we went to a modern day operation, wow! Here you can see the tubing on one of the trees and then you can see that tubing weaving in and out, connecting all the maple trees together.

Tubes were running everywhere but they eventually led here, to the Sugar Shack. Starting in the 1970's, some maple syrup producers started using reverse osmosis to remove water from the sap before it would be boiled down. Reverse osmosis allows approximately 75% to 80% of the water to be removed prior to boiling.

Here's a video of the pumps in action:

And what festival could be complete without vendors? We parked and then wandered around the main street, oohing and ahhing at all the different items for sale. One vendor was making baby rattles with his foot powered lathe. He made it look so easy that of course I wanted to try when he asked for volunteers. FYI, I had been "working" a lot longer than this video shows but phew, it was tiring work!

A fun day and I learned a lot.

Botox Review

Sorry, folks, I've still not been too good at updating my blog. But I have gone through 4 rounds of Botox now so I can give you a pretty good description of what it's been like!

Let me be completely honest, I've taken an Ativan (an anti-anxiety pill) before each treatment because it's nerve wracking. Yes, I've had someone drive each time (big shout out here to my sis-in-law, son, and nephew.)

The first time I went I the nurse was taking my weight and blood pressure, getting my medical background and all that good stuff, and she asked me, "Where are you getting Botox today?" 

That threw me for a loop in my half sedated state. "Don't you know, you guys are the ones who do this all the time?!?"

She must have seen the extra fear on my face because she laughed a little and assured me that, yes, she did know, she asks that every time to make sure the patient knows. I guess they want to be reassured that I'm not expecting it to make my face free of wrinkles or something. I told her I wasn't exactly sure but I'd been told it was going to be in my head, shoulders, and neck. Ding, ding, I passed!

A few minutes later the neurologist ushered us (me and my sis-in-law) into a nearby room, answered any questions I had, and then it was time to get started. I laid down on the table, he raised it to his height, and then he would announce, "A prick, now a sting," every time he gave an injection. After 6 or so times of that he asked me if he needed to tell me every time and I told him to just get on with it already.

It was the prick of the needle and then a sting as he inserted the medicine. He started in my hairline at my forehead and then he had me turn my head to the left. I'd have to clench my jaws so he could tell exactly where the muscle was, I'd release, and in went the needle. Then it was time to turn to the right and get that side done. 

I wish I had a picture to show you, believe me, we asked but he said no. He wasn't comfortable letting her take pictures while he was giving the shots. Ha ha, my sis-in-law and I are like two peas in a pod when it comes to stuff like that, we both want to be there watching exactly what's going on. 

The relaxing music going on during the shots didn't do much for me personally, what distracted me more was listening to my sis-in-law asking him questions and listening to their discussions. I kept my eyes shut and just focused on my breathing and trying to stay calm and relaxed.

When the front and sides were done (none were injected right on my face btw) he lowered the table and had me sit there for a second and make sure I wasn't going to pass out. I was fine so he had me sit on a little stool and put my head down on the table. Now it was time for the shots in the back of my neck. Ouch, they stung the worse and my headache flared up big time! (As a side note, he completely missed with one shot, my hair is so thick he didn't even get it under the skin.)

Then we waited a few more seconds for me to get my bearings, I sat up, pulled down the collar of my shirt on one side, and he injected a few more along the muscles of my neck/upper shoulder. Repeat on the other side and I was finally done! Thirty one shots in all.

The whole thing took 30 minutes or so. It wasn't pleasant by any means but it wasn't too bad, either. By the time I got home 45 minutes later I just went upstairs to sleep. 

It was when I woke up that "recovery" began. Ugh, I felt sore on all the injection sites and my daughter was calling me "Bobble Head Dumbo" because my neck felt so weak that I could hardly hold my head up. The botulism in my system made me feel nauseated and gross, my head and stomach ached, and my head felt as heavy as a bowling ball for about 10 days. That was no fun!

Since then my neurologist has given me half doses in the back of my neck so I don't get so bobble head like. It has helped. Every time I still have about a 10 day recovery time right after the shots. But you know what, it does help!?! My migraines are not as long lasting and I do get about half as many. I can tell after about 10 weeks that the Botox has started to wear off. Unfortunately, insurance will only cover it every 12 weeks and my doctor is so booked that I'm usually more like 13-15 weeks between shots. 

Who would have thought that botulism would decrease migraines? Who would have thought that I actually start looking forward to the shots (because my migraines get worse when the medicine wears off)? Huh, life sure throws you some curve balls! 

My verdict is in, I would recommend it. It takes a few rounds before you really start to see the benefits, it's expensive, and recovery is no fun but hey, 10 migraines a month is so much better than 20 or 25!  

Update

Why did I wait for over a year to blog? Probably because the benefits of my experimental treatment quickly wore off and I was back to my old "normal" of chronic migraines and fibromyalgia. Ugh! Not very happy making. 

Did the other effects of the treatment wear off, too? Hmm, that's hard to answer. I would say no, it was more like I had to relearn everything. You know how people of my generation are super glad they grew up without social media so they didn't embarrass themselves as teens? I seemed to have to go through a childlike state, then a teen state, and then back to an adult state. All chronicled on social media...lovely!

I'm kind of embarrassed as I reread my blog. There's a lot of anger and emotion in there. A lot of arguing debating and not very much tact. Yeah, that was kind of more my teenage state. So let me just give a blanket apology right here and now to any and everyone I may have offended during that time. I wasn't really in my right mind. I know, I know, that's an excuse but it was kind of an extreme case. I've changed a lot.

I don't have to say everything I think now, that's a good thing! I'm not nearly as emotional, or confrontational, or argumentative. As I look back I think I was bored. For the first time in years I had energy and no pain so I wasn't content being at home with not much to do. Sigh. That sure isn't the case now.

My memory isn't what it used to be and don't even talk to me about mental math. Good grief, let's just say you'd better double check my counting when I'm playing a game. I would never cheat on purpose but sometimes my mental math is way off.   :)  

Obviously I can't have those treatments anymore so what have I been doing instead? Trial and error of different meds, elimination diets, etc. None have worked. This week I go for my first set of Botox injections for migraines. Yep, you read that right, Botox. I'm really quite nervous about it. You see, it isn't just one shot in the forehead, it's a set of 31 shots on both sides of your head, face, and neck. Shudder! Here's a link if you want to check it out: https://www.webmd.com/migraines-headaches/news/20101018/fda-approves-botox-to-treat-chronic-migraines#1

And it has to be done every 3 months. Not too excited about this but I'm getting desperate right about now.

Don't even get me started on how difficult it is to get pain medication! Let me just say this...as if chronic pain isn't hard enough to deal with now those of us with it get to make a copay and go to the pharmacy EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK! https://www.reuters.com/article/us-walmart-opioids/walmart-to-restrict-opioid-dispensing-at-its-pharmacies-idUSKBN1I81YH

Lucky!!! 

In all seriousness, I'm even considering this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1N_cn-hcuA

Now you see how desperate I am...OUCH! But I'll give this Botox a go first. I've been told it could take "a couple rounds" before you can tell if it helps and even then it usually only reduces migraines by half. A one time daith piercing sounds tame in comparison, doesn't it? 

I'll try to do better at keeping you updated.

Oops, My Bad!

I do not have a poker face, people tell me they can read me like a book. What do you think this face says?

Let me tell you the story behind it because I'd really like to hear your comments.

Recently I went to UT for my niece's wedding. My daughter, Amanda, and I were helping my sister set up for the reception. We set the guest book outside on this little table they had and we decided to sign it right then and there. Immediately afterward, I mean like we had just capped the pen, this lady (a friend of the groom's family) came up to us and gasped.

(Gasp) "You just signed the front page! Didn't you know you aren't supposed to sign the front page of a wedding album when it's a picture album, too?"

I gave her the "Are you trying to pull my leg?" face and just stared at her. "Are you kidding me?"

"No. Most brides put a post it note on the front page asking people not to sign there."

Let me show you again the look I gave her...the "Oops, My Bad!" face:

To that she gave me a conciliatory pat on the arm, "I'm sure it's OK. The bride didn't put anything on there so I'm sure it'll be just fine." And then she walked away.

Um, yeah, I'm sure it'll HAVE to be fine since we've already done it. Plus I'm her aunt so there's no escaping me. And we asked other ignorant family members to sign with us so we wouldn't be the only ones on there for long. Ha ha, I know I say Being Happy is Better Than Being Smart but I don't want to look like the only dumb one! 

But that makes me ask: Am I ignorant about that? I've been to many wedding receptions, even had one for my own daughter(!), so why am I just now hearing about this? When did this become a THING or was she just trying to pull a fast one on me?

BHiBTBS but I don't want to be behind the times. Fill me in people!