Light...isn't it amazing how many different meanings this one word can have? My Light Up The Sky post has gotten more views than anything I've ever posted.Granted it's been only a month since I've been blogging but, well, you know.
I'm curious as to what light means to other people. Here are some ways I would describe it...heat, warmth, guiding, happy, safe, knowledge, technology, education, peace. Now 6 months ago (and sometimes still) light can also mean pain. Too much light...heat, education, technology...that can give me headaches still. As I'm sure it does to any/everyone else, too.
So let's contrast that with dark. Here are ways I describe dark: scary, fear, anger, turmoil, cold, oppressive, confined, stillness, questions, lack...always a lack of something. A lack of light, wouldn't you say? (Though again I have to admit that when I'm in pain (mental or physical) sometimes I really crave darkness. Why? It helps migraines go away and sometimes when I'm really grouchy and argumentative it's just best to give me a time out. You know what I mean.)
Why would someone choose darkness over light? Obviously I choose it when I'm in severe pain. Or I want to sleep. Or be left alone. How about you? Why do you choose darkness over light?
When people "like" what I've shared on Light Up The Sky I'm hoping it's because they can see light in my attitude. Light in my step. Light in my eyes. I'm sure feeling all that now and I sure wasn't 6 months ago!
So why aren't I singing the praises of my ketamine infusion? So many other people comment and post on Light Up The Sky that they are recovering addicts. They were trapped in darkness for years and years, some of them. Most tell the story that they had a hard childhood or something traumatic happened to them and that is why they turned to drugs...or whatever their addiction is/was. But somehow or other they were able to see the Light and get off the path of addiction. Why wouldn't I want to help them in that if they are turning to drugs because of chronic pain (migraines, fibromyalgia, depression)?
I've given that more thought today and it's because that isn't my first choice for fighting addiction. Fighting drug addiction or chronic pain or depression is VERY REAL! But look closely at so many of those other posts. Most of them turn to a different "light" other than drugs. And that is what ketmaine treatments are.
What is the Light so many others turn to? Most of you probably won't check back to see since Light Up The Sky is a private page. Many show mug shots. Or of themselves passed out or stoned. That was my first picture...though I was "stoned" in a controlled office environment. But no, many many many also point to a different "light"...The light of religion. And since I'm American and I think most of those posts are from other same minded Americans, most I've seen start praising Jesus.
Is that what I've been leading up to? Yes, I guess so. That is where I would advise you turn to first if you are experiencing any of the things I've experienced. That's where I would tell an addict of ANY kind to turn...turn to Christ. Turn to God. That is your number one defense against darkness. It is better than any counseling, any medication, any physical therapy, chiropractor, massage therapist, surgery, yada yada yada. Trust me, this I can testify...I have turned to each and every one of those other things and none of them are as effective as the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Darkness is evil. Darkness is not happy making. Darkness does not help with what ails you in the long run. That is Satan, the opposite of light.
Would you agree?
If you REALLY want to know how to turn to Jesus I CAN help you. How? I don't even know you and you don't know me. I'm a stranger in the world wide web. Well guess what? You've found me. Something has led you here. I can continue to be a stranger to you. That's fine. I'm not going to convince you of anything, you have to do that on your own. I'm not your doctor, your religious adviser, your friend/acquaintance/relative/neighbor, etc in most cases. But I AM your sister in Christ and because of that I love you and want you to have the peace and happiness I feel when I am not surrounded by pain.
And that, friends, is why I encourage you to check out lds.org over any other treatment option. Lds.org has free addiction recovery programs throughout the world. They don't care what your addiction is...drugs, alcohol, tobacco, porn, sex, etc. These are volunteers who want to help you first find the Light of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Those of you who still need help from Light Up The Sky...please go there. Your mug shots and stoner shots are heartbreaking. I don't want you suffering pain...mental or physical...like I've suffered.
Pain does not equal happiness. This I know. And with that, I wish y'all a happy Sabbath :)
Sunday, September 6, 2015
Saturday, September 5, 2015
Light Up the Sky
Light up the Sky
Have you seen this all over Facebook? Here's why I do, I was invited and accepted. Here is the description:
9pm EST **THIS IS NOT A PUBLIC GATHERING** Let's light up the sky for the ones we've lost due to addiction, and for those who may still be struggling or have been lucky enough overcome the struggle of addiction. Drugs have a hold on you that no one can explain, and it can happen to anyone! We are losing way to many mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, etc. because of this epidemic. So please turn your porch light on or light some candles outside and say a little prayer for those we've lost or those who are still struggling. Please invite your friends to join in, let's light up the whole sky! We will do this every month on the 25th!!
I happened to post today on there today. Here is my post:
I've already been asked what drugs I take and what the treatment was. Yikes! I've just sent them the link to this blog. Because I still don't recommend it. Just because I've decided not to worry about what the doctor's say/think I can only do that until Tuesday. Because that's when I have my next appointment with the chronic pain clinic. I'm not really looking forward to what she has to say about my prescription choices. For now I'm going to say NO to more drugs...unless she talks me into it.
Right now I only take one prescription drug...generic prozac because it's cheaper than name brand. But now I'm choosing to take tons of vitamins and supplements instead. Why? To help me sleep so I don't wake up with terrible leg cramps. I never had those before. To help my digestive system be regular. TMI, I know, but if anyone from Light Up The Sky actually reads this (or any woman probably) you know that is a VERY REAL issue.
I've gone from these
To these. But that's ok with me, only one of those is still prescription and that's how I want to keep it.
Because it is keeping me happy enough to be able to take one of these:
Have you seen this all over Facebook? Here's why I do, I was invited and accepted. Here is the description:
9pm EST **THIS IS NOT A PUBLIC GATHERING** Let's light up the sky for the ones we've lost due to addiction, and for those who may still be struggling or have been lucky enough overcome the struggle of addiction. Drugs have a hold on you that no one can explain, and it can happen to anyone! We are losing way to many mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters, etc. because of this epidemic. So please turn your porch light on or light some candles outside and say a little prayer for those we've lost or those who are still struggling. Please invite your friends to join in, let's light up the whole sky! We will do this every month on the 25th!!
I happened to post today on there today. Here is my post:
Right now I only take one prescription drug...generic prozac because it's cheaper than name brand. But now I'm choosing to take tons of vitamins and supplements instead. Why? To help me sleep so I don't wake up with terrible leg cramps. I never had those before. To help my digestive system be regular. TMI, I know, but if anyone from Light Up The Sky actually reads this (or any woman probably) you know that is a VERY REAL issue.
I've gone from these
Because it is keeping me happy enough to be able to take one of these:
Thursday, September 3, 2015
Another Day in the Life
Today I decided to not worry about doctor notes and/or appointments. I have one of them coming up on Tuesday...hopefully she'll have read the report, too. In the meantime, why worry about what she'll have to say? It is what it is. So here's some copy/paste about what I've done today. And thanks for all of your, uhh, compliments? That's how I choose to take it because hey, I've had over 60 views on my "Watch Me" youtube video without any thumbs down. Don't worry, I'm still ready to take fame and fortune...even if it means people give me thumbs down. :)
So I decided not to sit around and wait for the government to give me disability or something because I wouldn't even qualify. What fraud investigator would believe I was disabled when I'm climbing up ladders and scrounging...I mean couponing...or making friends with neighbors to meet my social/emotional needs? Yes, you'll have to have read previous posts to understood what I mean by that.
Here are some copy/pastes of how busy I was on Facebook today. I know some of you aren't friends with me on there. And after seeing these you might want to keep it way. I understand. But I'm saving some of the best for last. My attempt at comedy. Maybe that's how I should make my fame and fortune instead? Nah, I doubt it.
Last but not least is this super cute tutu outfit I am working on for a little girls first birthday. No, that isn't the finished product...yet. But it is a made to order apron to go over a dress I already had made. I can not wait to see it on her! I'm sure I'll be posting pics of it, too.
Oh wait! The even better thing is that this evening I went to a church meeting/party/get together with my youngest daughter (I called her my designated driver in case I got too sick) that was ONLY WOMEN. In a small confined room. Yeah, so what? Are you kidding me?!? It's been 7 years since I've done that!!!!!!! So much fun. Thank you Amanda for driving me and going with me. There was one more girl her age there, too. I don't think I embarrassed them too bad. She's my daughter, that's my job, right?
Being Happy is Better Than Being Smart...even when you embarrass yourself and/or your daughter!
So I decided not to sit around and wait for the government to give me disability or something because I wouldn't even qualify. What fraud investigator would believe I was disabled when I'm climbing up ladders and scrounging...I mean couponing...or making friends with neighbors to meet my social/emotional needs? Yes, you'll have to have read previous posts to understood what I mean by that.
Here are some copy/pastes of how busy I was on Facebook today. I know some of you aren't friends with me on there. And after seeing these you might want to keep it way. I understand. But I'm saving some of the best for last. My attempt at comedy. Maybe that's how I should make my fame and fortune instead? Nah, I doubt it.
 |
| Now come on, isn't that a great little story I wrote? I obviously think/thought so. Remind me to not have my kids apply for the University of Tennessee. Are they trying to sound French or something? |
Last but not least is this super cute tutu outfit I am working on for a little girls first birthday. No, that isn't the finished product...yet. But it is a made to order apron to go over a dress I already had made. I can not wait to see it on her! I'm sure I'll be posting pics of it, too.
Oh wait! The even better thing is that this evening I went to a church meeting/party/get together with my youngest daughter (I called her my designated driver in case I got too sick) that was ONLY WOMEN. In a small confined room. Yeah, so what? Are you kidding me?!? It's been 7 years since I've done that!!!!!!! So much fun. Thank you Amanda for driving me and going with me. There was one more girl her age there, too. I don't think I embarrassed them too bad. She's my daughter, that's my job, right?
Being Happy is Better Than Being Smart...even when you embarrass yourself and/or your daughter!
Wednesday, September 2, 2015
Well, well, well
I happened to be out and about so I stopped by the dr's office to get the results. David says the Dr was spot on. I agree...he should be. This is his specialty, right?
Here's an overview...Fascinating...I'd love to have one of these done on my husband, too. Then I can talk over with him how much he has changed since we were first married, too.
Verbal Comprehension 55% percentile
Perceptual Reasoning 30% percentile
Working Memory 30% percentile
Processing Speed 97% percentile
Full Scale IQ 58% percentile
I guess that means I'm fast by not accurate because I can't remember what I've been taught/shown/told.
But wait, there's more!
Auditory Memory 42% percentile
Visual Memory 23% percentile
Visual Working Memory 77% percentile
Immediate Memory 34% percentile
Delayed Memory 25% percentile
Uh oh, don't expect me to remember anything you showed me recently.
Here's the paragraph my husband thinks is spot on.
"Ms. Peart's responses to the PAI reflect the likelihood of some positive impression management. She tends to present herself in a consistently favorable light and as being relatively free of common shortcomings to which most individuals will admit. She appears reluctant to admit minor faults and may be uncritical of her own behavior and insensitive to negative consequences associated with her behavior. She may tend to minimize problems and the effect that those problems had on her life or the lives of others. Given these defensive tendencies the interpretations below should be considered tentative." Ouch!
But then this, "In spite of her defensiveness however, her responses indicate several problems. These include preoccupation with sensory functioning, unusual sensory motor problems, frequent routine physical complaints, heightened activity level, physical signs of depression, disruptions in thought processes, unsual ideas or beliefs, physical signs of anxiety, low frustration tolerance, tension and apprehension, rumination, and worry, moodiness, thoughts of death and suicide, stress, poor sense of identity, and sensation seeking behavior. However there are no indications of negative impression management. Her clinical profile suggests that she has a history of drug use (most likely referring to the ketamine treatment) and is experienceing a number of problems that may be related to that." Huh? I minimize problems but show signs of serious problems? I may not SAY i have them but they show up to a professional. Yet this is sensation seeking behavior?
And then this, "She appears to ruminatively preoccupied with physical functioning and health matters and severe impairment arising from somatic symptoms. ... She likely believes that her health problmes are complex and difficult to treat successfully. ... She is likely to be continually concerned with her health status and physical problems. Her social interactions and conversations may tend to focus on those."
Umm, yeah!?! My interactin with you, dear dr, is because i can't remember stuff. I can't follow a recipe. I can't balance my checkbook. I don't know or care if i am hungry or not. So is this attention seeking behavior or real because before the treatment this spring I could do all of those things...without having to be told or reminded of how to do it?!?
Does this mean y'all need to stop asking me how I'm doing? Am i focusing too much on my health problems? Because this came next:
"...Her self-concept is generally positive. She is typically confident and optimistic. Ms Peart appears to have strong needs for affiliation and positive regard from others. Her behavior may be viewed as times as attention seeking or dramatic. Her needs for attention and affiliation may be strong enough that the quality of her social interactions is less important than their quantity."
Mixed thoughts on that one. Right now I'm bawling truthfully. So I have a good self worth somehow after years of chronic pain. But I'm not supposed to talk about it? I'm not supposed to worry about? Am I attention seeking by writing a blog or saying Hi to people on facebook? That is the only way I can communicate with a lot of people. I DO have heightened senses or else fragrances wouldn't make me so darn sick. I'm not making it up for attention. At least I KNOW i'm not but I'm not sure if he thinks it.
So here is the bottom line. Diagnostic Impressions:
1. Somatic symptom disorder
2. Depersonalization/derealization disorder, provisional
3. Drug-induced bipolar disorder, with onset after administration of ketamine, most recenet episode manic, provisional
Wiki it. Google it. I'm about ready to be declared disabled so I can let the government pay me each month for sitting around being depressed. So I can quit going to doctors for their opinions since they'll only give me drugs that make me bipolar. I obviously can't work...who knows, I might not even remember I have a job! If I do the math right I tend to remember something visually only 25% of the time. And less than half the time if you tell me. Does that sound like someone who can hold a job to you?
And now I KNOW my symptoms are returning. I FEEL them. This ketamine treatment worked for less than 3 months yet I'm stuck with these "Diagnostic Impressions". No folks, definitely not worth it!
Being happy is better than being smart. I'm neither right now. You'd better not come to me for happy making since I'm totally blue. And kind of seeing red.
Yep, death and dying looks really good right about now. Why? Because I believe in a resurection. Maybe then I can spell better or really care enough to take the time to hit spell check. Nah, I won't need it then, will i? I don't even care about capitalization right now in my verbal/written vomitting.
Thanks for following along and listening to my ... what? Whining? Complaining? Fear? Sorry if you don't like hearing about it. That kind of DOES consume my life. It kind of has since 2006. Just imagine that and tell me you wouldn't be more preoccupied with what happens after this life than most. It's kind of a miracle I haven't commited suicide actually. I know people who have. Both been successful and not. I'll never do it. But I don't fear death. I kinda want it. Peace, love, and happiness.
Whatever. I'm fine. I'm perfect. I'm normal. all "bad words" to my way of thinking because they are meaningless.
But Dave tells me to wait and hear what the other doctors have to say. Yeah. I'll do that. They'll have to call me...i'm not running to their door to hear their suggestions...to pay them more money...to feel like i'm attention seeking. Because then I'd feel like I needed to tell you.
:(
Here's an overview...Fascinating...I'd love to have one of these done on my husband, too. Then I can talk over with him how much he has changed since we were first married, too.
Verbal Comprehension 55% percentile
Perceptual Reasoning 30% percentile
Working Memory 30% percentile
Processing Speed 97% percentile
Full Scale IQ 58% percentile
I guess that means I'm fast by not accurate because I can't remember what I've been taught/shown/told.
But wait, there's more!
Auditory Memory 42% percentile
Visual Memory 23% percentile
Visual Working Memory 77% percentile
Immediate Memory 34% percentile
Delayed Memory 25% percentile
Uh oh, don't expect me to remember anything you showed me recently.
Here's the paragraph my husband thinks is spot on.
"Ms. Peart's responses to the PAI reflect the likelihood of some positive impression management. She tends to present herself in a consistently favorable light and as being relatively free of common shortcomings to which most individuals will admit. She appears reluctant to admit minor faults and may be uncritical of her own behavior and insensitive to negative consequences associated with her behavior. She may tend to minimize problems and the effect that those problems had on her life or the lives of others. Given these defensive tendencies the interpretations below should be considered tentative." Ouch!
But then this, "In spite of her defensiveness however, her responses indicate several problems. These include preoccupation with sensory functioning, unusual sensory motor problems, frequent routine physical complaints, heightened activity level, physical signs of depression, disruptions in thought processes, unsual ideas or beliefs, physical signs of anxiety, low frustration tolerance, tension and apprehension, rumination, and worry, moodiness, thoughts of death and suicide, stress, poor sense of identity, and sensation seeking behavior. However there are no indications of negative impression management. Her clinical profile suggests that she has a history of drug use (most likely referring to the ketamine treatment) and is experienceing a number of problems that may be related to that." Huh? I minimize problems but show signs of serious problems? I may not SAY i have them but they show up to a professional. Yet this is sensation seeking behavior?
And then this, "She appears to ruminatively preoccupied with physical functioning and health matters and severe impairment arising from somatic symptoms. ... She likely believes that her health problmes are complex and difficult to treat successfully. ... She is likely to be continually concerned with her health status and physical problems. Her social interactions and conversations may tend to focus on those."
Umm, yeah!?! My interactin with you, dear dr, is because i can't remember stuff. I can't follow a recipe. I can't balance my checkbook. I don't know or care if i am hungry or not. So is this attention seeking behavior or real because before the treatment this spring I could do all of those things...without having to be told or reminded of how to do it?!?
Does this mean y'all need to stop asking me how I'm doing? Am i focusing too much on my health problems? Because this came next:
"...Her self-concept is generally positive. She is typically confident and optimistic. Ms Peart appears to have strong needs for affiliation and positive regard from others. Her behavior may be viewed as times as attention seeking or dramatic. Her needs for attention and affiliation may be strong enough that the quality of her social interactions is less important than their quantity."
Mixed thoughts on that one. Right now I'm bawling truthfully. So I have a good self worth somehow after years of chronic pain. But I'm not supposed to talk about it? I'm not supposed to worry about? Am I attention seeking by writing a blog or saying Hi to people on facebook? That is the only way I can communicate with a lot of people. I DO have heightened senses or else fragrances wouldn't make me so darn sick. I'm not making it up for attention. At least I KNOW i'm not but I'm not sure if he thinks it.
So here is the bottom line. Diagnostic Impressions:
1. Somatic symptom disorder
2. Depersonalization/derealization disorder, provisional
3. Drug-induced bipolar disorder, with onset after administration of ketamine, most recenet episode manic, provisional
Wiki it. Google it. I'm about ready to be declared disabled so I can let the government pay me each month for sitting around being depressed. So I can quit going to doctors for their opinions since they'll only give me drugs that make me bipolar. I obviously can't work...who knows, I might not even remember I have a job! If I do the math right I tend to remember something visually only 25% of the time. And less than half the time if you tell me. Does that sound like someone who can hold a job to you?
And now I KNOW my symptoms are returning. I FEEL them. This ketamine treatment worked for less than 3 months yet I'm stuck with these "Diagnostic Impressions". No folks, definitely not worth it!
Being happy is better than being smart. I'm neither right now. You'd better not come to me for happy making since I'm totally blue. And kind of seeing red.
Yep, death and dying looks really good right about now. Why? Because I believe in a resurection. Maybe then I can spell better or really care enough to take the time to hit spell check. Nah, I won't need it then, will i? I don't even care about capitalization right now in my verbal/written vomitting.
Thanks for following along and listening to my ... what? Whining? Complaining? Fear? Sorry if you don't like hearing about it. That kind of DOES consume my life. It kind of has since 2006. Just imagine that and tell me you wouldn't be more preoccupied with what happens after this life than most. It's kind of a miracle I haven't commited suicide actually. I know people who have. Both been successful and not. I'll never do it. But I don't fear death. I kinda want it. Peace, love, and happiness.
Whatever. I'm fine. I'm perfect. I'm normal. all "bad words" to my way of thinking because they are meaningless.
But Dave tells me to wait and hear what the other doctors have to say. Yeah. I'll do that. They'll have to call me...i'm not running to their door to hear their suggestions...to pay them more money...to feel like i'm attention seeking. Because then I'd feel like I needed to tell you.
:(
Yikes!
You know how it always seems like the grass is greener on the other side? You want something, you need something...but then when it finally comes you don't want it because you are afraid? Kind of like giving birth, huh moms out there? Kind of like getting married. Kind of life signing up for an experimental drug treatment because you are tired of living in constant pain and you just don't know how much longer you can take it.
Remember how I've been hounding the psycho neorological doctor for my test results? Yes, I did call and talk to the receptionist last week. I told her straight up I must be a 3 weeker because it had already been over 2 weeks and I had still heard nothing. I explained that I understood squirmy kids in class could be a problem but did she realize that I don't know if I'm mentally retarded and/or a psychopath and/or a narcissist or whatever due to possible brain damage? This doctor who hasn't scored my test yet must be fairly confident I'm not any of those things since I'm able to still be behind the wheel of a car but just how much longer is he going to make the rest of us wait? The neurologist can do nothing without the results, the chronic pain doctors can do nothing without the results, and I'm driving and doing whatever I feel like. That's ok, then?
Haha, you can imagine the stunned silence on the other line as she quickly got my notes. Yes, I now understand why you charged my insurance for 9 hours. (I had originally called because I questioned that. I was told to expect the tests to take 6 hours at most. I whizzed thru it in 3 1/2 hours...for good or bad...so why were they doing that?) Yes, I now understand why you sent me a bill in the mail with a negative balance. (I had actually gotten the Dr himself to call me after hours to explain this one. How a negative balance on my part after I've already made my copay can equal neither one of us owing each other money.) Those were questions the Dr wanted her to make sure I understood if I called back. Those were in my notes. My insistence on getting the results asap apparently didn't make it in those notes. Surprise, surprise.
I pointed out to her that my insurance and I had both paid them already so what were waiting on? Hems and haws because what could she really SAY to that? So I made one more point...would it have mattered if I had lied and answered one of the 40 or so questions about suicide differently? Would he grade my tests sooner if I actually said yes to one of those? Because remember...I'm the one he is allowing behind the wheel of a car...not some bouncy kid.
Who knows if that made it in my chart. Who cares? I just want/need the results already! She said she'd talk to the dr about that. Good. Guess what? The next day I got a letter UN the mask from their office. It was a new BILL. Saying my balance was zero. Sigh. Of course.
I waited two days before calling again. Hmm, are they screening my calls? This time I had to just leave a message. Yesterday was the 3 week mark. No call, no letter, no email.
Today I called again and left a message. I said if he was too busy I'd chime luck up the tests and take them somewhere else. I'm done waiting. I want them NOW or he can refund all of us. Then I got a fb message from someone with an uplifting thought.
Those are always nice to get, right? The annoying part is when they attach some fortune cookie thing about how your dreams will come true in 9 minutes if you forward it along to so many people. Uh huh. So I messaged her back, said thanks for thinking of me, and told her I was setting the timer. 9 minutes and counting.
But see, I didn't follow thru on my part of the deal. I never forwarded the thought. I don't usually do that, I'm not a fortune cookie kinda person. But 35 minutes later the drs office called to say that the results had been forwarded to the two other doctors and my copy of the results were put in the mail yesterday. I told him thank you. See, I'm still polite. I still don't believe in fortune cookies.
But now I'm to the yikes part. What if I get those results today? I guess it doesn't matter. He can't take away my drivers license anyway. Being Happy is Better than being Smart. At least I hope. Because who really wants a professional telling you how "smart" you are and what kind of "official" psychological label you are? Not me. I'd rather hear nice things from y'all instead.
Be careful what you ask for...you might just get it. Wether you want it or need.it you might just hate what it has to say.
Stay tuned...if I can post videos of myself in YouTube I can do this too. Yikes!
Remember how I've been hounding the psycho neorological doctor for my test results? Yes, I did call and talk to the receptionist last week. I told her straight up I must be a 3 weeker because it had already been over 2 weeks and I had still heard nothing. I explained that I understood squirmy kids in class could be a problem but did she realize that I don't know if I'm mentally retarded and/or a psychopath and/or a narcissist or whatever due to possible brain damage? This doctor who hasn't scored my test yet must be fairly confident I'm not any of those things since I'm able to still be behind the wheel of a car but just how much longer is he going to make the rest of us wait? The neurologist can do nothing without the results, the chronic pain doctors can do nothing without the results, and I'm driving and doing whatever I feel like. That's ok, then?
Haha, you can imagine the stunned silence on the other line as she quickly got my notes. Yes, I now understand why you charged my insurance for 9 hours. (I had originally called because I questioned that. I was told to expect the tests to take 6 hours at most. I whizzed thru it in 3 1/2 hours...for good or bad...so why were they doing that?) Yes, I now understand why you sent me a bill in the mail with a negative balance. (I had actually gotten the Dr himself to call me after hours to explain this one. How a negative balance on my part after I've already made my copay can equal neither one of us owing each other money.) Those were questions the Dr wanted her to make sure I understood if I called back. Those were in my notes. My insistence on getting the results asap apparently didn't make it in those notes. Surprise, surprise.
I pointed out to her that my insurance and I had both paid them already so what were waiting on? Hems and haws because what could she really SAY to that? So I made one more point...would it have mattered if I had lied and answered one of the 40 or so questions about suicide differently? Would he grade my tests sooner if I actually said yes to one of those? Because remember...I'm the one he is allowing behind the wheel of a car...not some bouncy kid.
Who knows if that made it in my chart. Who cares? I just want/need the results already! She said she'd talk to the dr about that. Good. Guess what? The next day I got a letter UN the mask from their office. It was a new BILL. Saying my balance was zero. Sigh. Of course.
I waited two days before calling again. Hmm, are they screening my calls? This time I had to just leave a message. Yesterday was the 3 week mark. No call, no letter, no email.
Today I called again and left a message. I said if he was too busy I'd chime luck up the tests and take them somewhere else. I'm done waiting. I want them NOW or he can refund all of us. Then I got a fb message from someone with an uplifting thought.
Those are always nice to get, right? The annoying part is when they attach some fortune cookie thing about how your dreams will come true in 9 minutes if you forward it along to so many people. Uh huh. So I messaged her back, said thanks for thinking of me, and told her I was setting the timer. 9 minutes and counting.
But see, I didn't follow thru on my part of the deal. I never forwarded the thought. I don't usually do that, I'm not a fortune cookie kinda person. But 35 minutes later the drs office called to say that the results had been forwarded to the two other doctors and my copy of the results were put in the mail yesterday. I told him thank you. See, I'm still polite. I still don't believe in fortune cookies.
But now I'm to the yikes part. What if I get those results today? I guess it doesn't matter. He can't take away my drivers license anyway. Being Happy is Better than being Smart. At least I hope. Because who really wants a professional telling you how "smart" you are and what kind of "official" psychological label you are? Not me. I'd rather hear nice things from y'all instead.
Be careful what you ask for...you might just get it. Wether you want it or need.it you might just hate what it has to say.
Stay tuned...if I can post videos of myself in YouTube I can do this too. Yikes!
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
What Matters?
Today I'm going to do some copy/paste ing. My favorite thing because it's quick and easy and you don't have to listen to me. Listen to these wise people instead.
http://madworldnews.com/marines-rant-white-people/
http://themattwalshblog.com/
http://www.targetfocustraining.com/videos/
lds.org
http://firsttoknow.com/why-the-dying-see-deceased-relatives/?&utm_source=facebookshare
http://www.ijreview.com/2015/08/407302-sheriff-clarke-charges-president-obama-with-starting-war-on-police-after-texas-cops-execution/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_content=post-footer&utm_campaign=Sharing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkGth6Q7WMc
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1493806137602951&pnref=story
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10206403395435445&set=a.10206403395355443.1073741828.1585052372&type=1&theater
https://www.facebook.com/RedneckRepairscom/videos/478954142268685/?pnref=story
https://www.facebook.com/mylovingmothermary/videos/845788935513700/?pnref=story
Now you've had plenty time to see what is most important to me...and some of what I just think is funny.
I Matter. You Matter. They Matter. We all Matter. God Be With You Till We Meet Again.
SORRY FOLKS: I'M GOING TO TRY TO UPLOAD THESE TO YOUTUBE AND PUT THE LINKS INSTEAD. IQ, REMEMBER???
https://youtu.be/tv1Sgm3JwK4
https://youtu.be/VZkVLxAhuTk
https://youtu.be/BkMn2c_um3U
https://youtu.be/YIrWtIZtQCE
https://youtu.be/HsrY8JQTzC0
http://madworldnews.com/marines-rant-white-people/
http://themattwalshblog.com/
http://www.targetfocustraining.com/videos/
lds.org
http://firsttoknow.com/why-the-dying-see-deceased-relatives/?&utm_source=facebookshare
http://www.ijreview.com/2015/08/407302-sheriff-clarke-charges-president-obama-with-starting-war-on-police-after-texas-cops-execution/?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_content=post-footer&utm_campaign=Sharing
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkGth6Q7WMc
https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=1493806137602951&pnref=story
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10206403395435445&set=a.10206403395355443.1073741828.1585052372&type=1&theater
https://www.facebook.com/RedneckRepairscom/videos/478954142268685/?pnref=story
https://www.facebook.com/mylovingmothermary/videos/845788935513700/?pnref=story
Now you've had plenty time to see what is most important to me...and some of what I just think is funny.
I Matter. You Matter. They Matter. We all Matter. God Be With You Till We Meet Again.
https://youtu.be/VZkVLxAhuTk
https://youtu.be/BkMn2c_um3U
https://youtu.be/YIrWtIZtQCE
https://youtu.be/HsrY8JQTzC0
And the videos? There is some back story to those. First let me explain. You see, I was still unsure of what happened to me and I was still considered "abnormal" yet but I was cleared to travel so I went to a family reunion of sorts in Virgina during all of July. I wasn't even sure if I could drive but I did and obviously we made it both there and back just fine. With me still on all of my "regular" drugs. Phew!
But see, I didn't bring a bathing suit or anything. I haven't even swam in the pool in my own backyard for years so why bother? Plus did you see that part about us driving? From TX to VA is almost a 24 hour drive, folks. I actually packed like a man and fit EVERYTHING into a carry on suitcase and a backpack. ME! For a month! All my meds and clothes and shoes etc. Crazy, huh?
So weren't we all surprised that I could actually function when we got there. Not only function but participate. Now this was new to everyone. So when my husband and bro in law decided to make a zipline across our pond I was the videographer. Until the day I got a wild hair and decided to go do it myself. I DID have the forethought to take off my watch and have someone else hold the camera.
But notice there was no hesitation once I was committed. And it was awesome! So awesome I decided to try something even more stupid. Find the video of my total wipe out on the rope swing. Again, I had the forethought to have a kid hold the camera to video tape it but why wouldn't I listen to my bro in law who tried to tell me I didn't have the upper body strength? If you listen closely I even say I know I'll get hurt.
But look real close again and you'll notice that I did actually get both feet up off the ground before I totally fell off that rope. And the kids love to watch the video and hear my little "Oomph!" as I fell. I really wish I would have had my other brother's phone app on that one. An app that slowed everything down and could increase the volume of my "Oomph!"
What you don't see on the video is that I really hurt the middle fingers on both of my hands. Like within minutes I was walking the quarter mile back to the house to have my mom help me take care of myself. Did I break them? I don't know but to this day one middle finger is bruised in the nail and the other one still wakes me up moaning in pain some mornings. It feels like the pain is moving up above the knuckle now so maybe I don't have arthritis in it? I don't know. It doesn't matter. What is done is done. But man, was it fun!
So fun that a couple days later I decided to participate in an all day zipline course in West Virginia. This time we'd have 9 REAL zip lines thru the mountains. Hooked to guide wires. And there were rope swings with ladder type boards at the bottom as you hiked along from zipline to zipline. Yeah, you can imagine that adventure!
Here's the video yet another bro in law took of my first and last zipline. Remember that side effect of me saying whatever I think? I yelled, I screamed, I laughed, I said whatever I was thinking. Whether I was the one ziplining or not. Did I mention that the guides asked if I'd been drinking...within the first 5 minutes of getting suited up back at base camp?
The last video was me giving Amos (the guide) the finger. Why? Because he grabbed my hand to pull me up on the last platform and 1. I had just hurt my fingers real bad only days before 2. I was punch drunk or whatever from being so dang tired 3. I/we were having a great time and were sad to see it end. We had all been laughing at a joke my husband had made at Amos' expense just a few minutes before. It was VERY fun. The other guide was laughing so hard that poor Amos (who was showing us the zipline technique) was left dangling and had a hard time getting to the platform himself. His coworker was doubled over with laughter and forgot to help him with the guide wire.
So yeah, being happy is better than being smart. Having fun is better than both. And thank you that I have this opportunity to have pain pushed further into the background so I can experience all of it!
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