Well, well, well

I happened to be out and about so I stopped by the dr's office to get the results. David says the Dr was spot on. I agree...he should be. This is his specialty, right?

Here's an overview...Fascinating...I'd love to have one of these done on my husband, too. Then I can talk over with him how much he has changed since we were first married, too.

Verbal Comprehension                                  55% percentile
Perceptual Reasoning                                     30% percentile
Working Memory                                          30% percentile
Processing Speed                                            97% percentile
Full Scale IQ                                                    58% percentile

I guess that means I'm fast by not accurate because I can't remember what I've been taught/shown/told.

But wait, there's more!

Auditory Memory                                              42% percentile
Visual Memory                                                  23% percentile
Visual Working Memory                                   77% percentile
Immediate Memory                                            34% percentile
Delayed Memory                                               25% percentile

Uh oh, don't expect me to remember anything you showed me recently.

Here's the paragraph my husband thinks is spot on.
"Ms. Peart's responses to the PAI reflect the likelihood of some positive impression management. She tends to present herself in a consistently favorable light and as being relatively free of common shortcomings to which most individuals will admit. She appears reluctant to admit minor faults and may be uncritical of her own behavior and insensitive to negative consequences associated with her behavior. She may tend to minimize problems and the effect that those problems had on her life or the lives of others. Given these defensive tendencies the interpretations below should be considered tentative." Ouch!

But then this, "In spite of her defensiveness however, her responses indicate several problems. These include preoccupation with sensory functioning, unusual sensory motor problems, frequent routine physical complaints, heightened activity level, physical signs of depression, disruptions in thought processes, unsual ideas or beliefs, physical signs of anxiety, low frustration tolerance, tension and apprehension, rumination, and worry, moodiness, thoughts of death and suicide, stress, poor sense of identity, and sensation seeking behavior. However there are no indications of negative impression management. Her clinical profile suggests that she has a history of drug use (most likely referring to the ketamine treatment) and is experienceing a number of problems that may be related to that." Huh? I minimize problems but show signs of serious problems? I may not SAY i have them but they show up to a professional. Yet this is sensation seeking behavior?

And then this, "She appears to ruminatively preoccupied with physical functioning and health matters and severe impairment arising from somatic symptoms. ... She likely believes that her health problmes are complex and difficult to treat successfully. ... She is likely to be continually concerned with her health status and physical problems. Her social interactions and conversations may tend to focus on those."

Umm, yeah!?! My interactin with you, dear dr, is because i can't remember stuff. I can't follow a recipe. I can't balance my checkbook. I don't know or care if i am hungry or not. So is this attention seeking behavior or real because before the treatment this spring I could do all of those things...without having to be told or reminded of how to do it?!?
Does this mean y'all need to stop asking me how I'm doing? Am i focusing too much on my health problems? Because this came next:
"...Her self-concept is generally positive. She is typically confident and optimistic. Ms Peart appears to have strong needs for affiliation and positive regard from others. Her behavior may be viewed as times as attention seeking or dramatic. Her needs for attention and affiliation may be strong enough that the quality of her social interactions is less important than their quantity."

Mixed thoughts on that one. Right now I'm bawling truthfully. So I have a good self worth somehow after years of chronic pain. But I'm not supposed to talk about it? I'm not supposed to worry about? Am I attention seeking by writing a blog or saying Hi to people on facebook? That is the only way I can communicate with a lot of people. I DO have heightened senses or else fragrances wouldn't make me so darn sick. I'm not making it up for attention. At least I KNOW i'm not but I'm not sure if he thinks it.

So here is the bottom line. Diagnostic Impressions:
1. Somatic symptom disorder
2. Depersonalization/derealization disorder, provisional
3. Drug-induced bipolar disorder, with onset after administration of ketamine, most recenet episode manic, provisional

Wiki it. Google it. I'm about ready to be declared disabled so I can let the government pay me each month for sitting around being depressed. So I can quit going to doctors for their opinions since they'll only give me drugs that make me bipolar. I obviously can't work...who knows, I might not even remember I have a job! If I do the math right I tend to remember something visually only 25% of the time. And less than half the time if you tell me. Does that sound like someone who can hold a job to you?

And now I KNOW my symptoms are returning. I FEEL them. This ketamine treatment worked for less than 3 months yet I'm stuck with these "Diagnostic Impressions". No folks, definitely not worth it!

Being happy is better than being smart. I'm neither right now. You'd better not come to me for happy making since I'm totally blue. And kind of seeing red.

Yep, death and dying looks really good right about now. Why? Because I believe in a resurection. Maybe then I can spell better or really care enough to take the time to hit spell check. Nah, I won't need it then, will i? I don't even care about capitalization right now in my verbal/written vomitting.

Thanks for following along and listening to my ... what? Whining? Complaining? Fear? Sorry if you don't like hearing about it. That kind of DOES consume my life. It kind of has since 2006. Just imagine that and tell me you wouldn't be more preoccupied with what happens after this life than most. It's kind of a miracle I haven't commited suicide actually. I know people who have. Both been successful and not. I'll never do it. But I don't fear death. I kinda want it.  Peace, love, and happiness.

Whatever. I'm fine. I'm perfect. I'm normal. all "bad words" to my way of thinking because they are meaningless.

But Dave tells me to wait and hear what the other doctors have to say. Yeah. I'll do that. They'll have to call me...i'm not running to their door to hear their suggestions...to pay them more money...to feel like i'm attention seeking. Because then I'd feel like I needed to tell you.

:(