Resignation

Guess what? I've figured it out. Now I know why I've been so grouchy, so tired, so foggy minded, so depressed, so angry at everyone and everything the past few days. It's not hormones. It's nothing you've done or said. It's nothing I've done or said, either, really. It's because it's returning...fibromyalgia.

What does that mean? That means I wake up from a good night's sleep and still feel exhausted. That means I can no longer sleep all night without having to roll over because my hips and arms ache. They feel bruised under the skin...though they aren't. They ache for no reason. They are beginning to feel like that picture I posted a few days ago. That isn't happy making, folks. That's grouchy making. Tired making. Foggy minded making. Depression making. Angry making.

That is fibromyalgia. That is what I hope to never have to face again but I do so I will.

Three months ago I was on at least 10 different prescription medications to deal with fibromyalgia and chronic pain. Today I am down to 1 medication...the lowest dose possible...and I only take it every other day. You wanna know what that medication is? Again, it's none of your business, but that medication is antidepressants. I was diagnosed with chemical depression 15 years ago. It runs in my family. Guess what? I'm not ashamed of that. I'll take prescription medication for the rest of my life if necessary because I've tried numerous times to go off of it and that does more harm than good. Isn't that depressing in and of itself? But you know what? If that can help me thru this I'm all over that. And I'd be thankful.

But I doubt it is. It never was before. Nor any of the other medications that treat the symptoms of fibromyalgia. I've tried them...all of them.

So it's back to the drawing board. Back to the beginning of when I was first diagnosed and had to go thru three options that were mandatory at the chronic pain clinic. But this time I'm not going to pay the clinic to do it. This time I can review my notes because I save everything. It's behavior modification, physical therapy, and prescription medications. Sigh.

This is why I'm not feeling happy right now. I ache. I'm in pain. I'm tired...so so tired...and I can't go long without having to rest. Because I know what will happen if I keep pushing myself. More tired. More confusion. More pain. And then it won't go away. It will invite migraines. And then I'm back to three months ago. Without ketamine treatments as an option anymore. Because really, I'm not wanting to fry my brain with that stuff again. Who knows how much is left unfried?

Being Happy is Better Than Being Smart. Being Pain Free is Better Than Being Smart. Being pain free is the best way for me, personally, to be happy.

So go somewhere else for happy thoughts for a while. I'm not happy. I'm very very sad. I'm resigned.